- It is not the "natural course" of life for parents to outlive their children;
- The death of a child causes overwhelming emotional pain;
- The number of years lived does not make a child’s death any easier;
- The labour of grief demands more energy than you ever imagined;
- "Your grief will take longer than most people think" (Rando, T.A., 1988); and much longer than society allows;
- Your grief will affect you psychologically, socially and physically;
- Your life will be changed forever. "It’s not that you won’t be happy again. It’s simply that you won’t be exactly the same as you were before the death" (Wolfelt, A., 1991); and
- You will grieve for both the past and a lost future.
Grief is the sorrow, hurt, anger, guilt, confusion and other feelings that arise after a loss.
Grief is experienced in three major ways:
- Psychologically — through your feelings, thoughts and attitudes
- Socially — through your behaviour with others
- Physically — through your health and bodily symptoms
Perhaps you have noticed some of these in yourself, your spouse or your children:
- Emotional reactions;
- Behavioural reactions;
- Physical reactions;
- Numbness;
- Searching;
- Deep sighing;
- Confusion;
- Detachment;
- Weakness and fatigue
- Sadness;
- Disoriented;
- Rapid heartbeat;
- Guilt;
- Withdrawal;
- Increased activity;
- Yearning;
- Unable to concentrate;
- Decreased activity;
- Anger;
- Forgetful;
- Muscular tension
- Hopelessness;
- Crying;
- Sleep disturbances
- Bitterness;
- Lack of spontaneity;
- Weight changes;
- Despair;
- Apathy regarding future;
- Appetite changes
- Peacefulness;
- Blameful of others;
- Increased sensory awareness
- Euphoria;
- Seeking solitude;
- Decreased immune resistance
Grief is a continuing development, involving many changes over time. It will come and go and appear different at times.
Grief is a natural expectable reaction. In fact, the absence of it (when a loss is experienced) is abnormal in most cases.
Grief is the reaction to all kinds of losses, not just death.
Grief is based upon your own unique, individualistic perception of the loss. It is not necessary for you to have the loss recognized or validated by others for you to experience grief.
Bereavement is the state or condition caused by loss through death.
Mourning concerns the ways in which we express our grief. Mourning is influenced by culture and may include attending funerals, wearing black or having a celebration in memory of your loved one.
Potential problems that may surface:
- Marital tension: Bear in mind that no two people grieve in the same way, this is especially true for bereaved couples. Be sensitive to one another, but be aware that is hard to be a support to someone when you are doubled over with your own pain. If possible share your feelings, while allowing each other to grieve in their own way.
- Surviving siblings: Remember that your surviving siblings are suffering, just as you are suffering. They will need the reassurance that they too are loved and cherished, just as much their brother or sister that died.
- Decision making: Avoid making serious decisions and changes (i.e., moving, clearing out your child’s belongings) when newly bereaved. What now may feel like too much too bear, may become those cherished memories of tomorrow.
- Communicating: Many bereaved families suffer in silence. Because your family is bereaved does not mean that you have all become mind readers. Communicating your needs with each other can eliminate some unnecessary hurt and pain. You already hurt enough.
Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Yes! While you will never entirely get over the loss of your child, you can begin a healing journey and experience joy again. Call us ... we can help.
